People like you and me, we know better than to use coping tactics like these. Even when the truth is painful, we’re more likely to grab the bull by the horns than to try to pull the wool over our own eyes.
Read all of what follows with the most sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek voice possible and you’ll catch my drift.
Or, present these tactics to a competitor as serious suggestions. Your call.
1) Never measure
Like, duh – without gawdawful test results staring you in the face it’s so much easier to pretend you don’t have a problem. Kinda like avoiding the bathroom scales after a week of bingeing on bacon-wrapped Krispy Kremes.
2) Assume if it’s loading fast enough for you, it’s cool for visitors
Even though you probably know about browser caching and how it helps speed up loading on previously visited sites, do not even think about the fact that caching is in play when you visit your own site. Clearing your browser cache before checking your site could give you a dose of reality you don’t want.
3) Get OK results from 1 test; never measure again
That whole caching thing happens with speed test websites, too. So if you get lousy results on GT Metrix, Pingdom or YSlow, just click the re-test button. Things could look a lot better. Your site may not load any quicker, but that’s not what we’re after.
Or, you could have a genuinely zippy site and test results to confirm it. Once you’ve documented your amaze-balls site performance and bragged about it to the blogosphere, why not buy a bloated ThemeForest theme, add the Sumo plugin, a Facebook tracking pixel, a Pinterest Pin-it plugin and a 2MB header image?
Oh, heyyyy…maybe there’s a plugin you could install to block website performance testing altogether?!?